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IntroductionWhy I wrote 'GRINDR SUCCESS'For a lot of gay men the use of gay dating apps feels like a necessary and unavoidable evil. For many guys they are the only way to get into contact with other gay men. Few of us live within easy proximity of gay clubs and pubs, and even those who do may not feel comfortable patronising them. Not to mention the fact that the number of guys visiting these locations is diminishing. No, if you want to get in contact with other gay men, you have to get on a gay dating app. And of all the apps available today, Grindr is by far the most popular.
But, as you will have no doubt discovered for yourself, Grindr is not always the most welcoming of places. Although there are some great guys on the app, in the process of finding them you will also come across less pleasant types. Bigoted guys. Arrogant guys. Abusive guys. Many, many flaky guys. Time wasters. Guys with the magical ability to vanish without trace. Trolls. Pic collectors. Guys who have no intention of ever meeting. And even guys who are purely after your money. |
Dealing with all these guys can be exhausting and frustrating. And, if you are not careful, can cause significant harm to your emotional well-being and self-esteem. Many users often find themselves getting so exasperated with Grindr that they delete the app from their phones. But the call and lure of Grindr is irresistible. The promise of all those guys waiting for you cannot be ignored. There must be a good man on there somewhere! And so the app gets reinstalled and the whole experience of infuriation, exasperation and frustration, punctuated with occasional bursts of hope and exhilaration, begins again.
Unlike many of my friends, I have never yet got to the stage of deleting Grindr off my phone. And I seem to have had a very level-headed experience of the app. So initially I thought I would try writing a few tips on how I interact with both the Grindr app and its users. As I started writing these tips I found I was having extra ideas, everything snowballed, and this book is the result.
I should point out that you probably won’t like all of my ideas and suggestions. That’s fine. They are only suggestions. You should hopefully still find the reasoning behind them interesting. And my viewpoint may even stimulate you with new ideas about things you could do to improve your Grindr experience.
Unlike many of my friends, I have never yet got to the stage of deleting Grindr off my phone. And I seem to have had a very level-headed experience of the app. So initially I thought I would try writing a few tips on how I interact with both the Grindr app and its users. As I started writing these tips I found I was having extra ideas, everything snowballed, and this book is the result.
I should point out that you probably won’t like all of my ideas and suggestions. That’s fine. They are only suggestions. You should hopefully still find the reasoning behind them interesting. And my viewpoint may even stimulate you with new ideas about things you could do to improve your Grindr experience.
Assumptions about you
I am assuming that you are on Grindr because you want to meet other gay men in the flesh. If you aren’t wanting to meet up with other Grindr guys in the real world, this book is not for you. It’s my view that Grindr is simply a tool to facilitate gay guys meeting up in real life. This could be for many things. Instant sex. Friendship. Friendship with ‘benefits’. Maybe even romantic dates. But whatever you are seeking, I am assuming that it requires you to actually meet another gay man in the real world. There are many guys on Grindr who hide behind their screens and won’t venture out to meet other guys face to face. This is fair enough if the guy is just in the process of discovering his sexuality and coming out. Or if his profile clearly indicates that he is only on Grindr to chat. But the remaining guys, who have no intention of meeting others, are simply time wasters. And serious Grindr users would be better off without these guys forming part of their Grindr world.
How this book might help you
Assuming you do actually want to meet other guys face to face, how does this book attempt to help you?
Section One is all about preparing for Grindr success. Discovering what you are likely to encounter on the app and putting on some armour to help you deal with it. The section helps you to set realistic expectations according to what you have to offer other guys, and the time and effort you are prepared to spend on your Grindr endeavours. Finally it will help you to decide and focus on exactly what it is you are looking for.
Section Two is all about crafting your profile. Once you know the type of guy you are looking for, you need to craft your profile to make it as easy as possible for him to find you. And as easy as possible for him to send you an opening message that can lead to the two of you exploring whether there is potential for a meet in the flesh. This section ends with an interactive ‘Grindr Profile Roadworthiness Test’ where you can see if your own profile achieves a pass or a fail!
Of course you don’t only want to rely on guys finding you. You also want to take the initiative and find them. Section Three is all about taking control of your cascade and removing all the time wasting guys and ‘bad prospect’ guys, hopefully to leave you with a cascade of guys with ‘good meet’ potential. This section ends with a humorous interactive ‘Grindr Cascade Corn Thresher’ through which you can put other guys’ profiles to see whether they come out as corn (send a message to) or chaff (leave well alone).
Section Four deals with messaging. How to use messages to suss out whether the guy is really suitable for you, whilst at the same time keeping him interested. And how to progress things so that you get to the stage where you are both ready to meet in the flesh. Section Five then deals with that meet with the emphasis on how to ensure it is a safe and mutually enjoyable encounter.
Section Six deals with the tricky topic of discrimination on Grindr. This is almost impossible to write about without in some way including my own views on what is or isn’t discriminatory. If there are particular types of guys that you know you cannot have a successful sexual encounter with, this section looks at what is and what is not appropriate to put on your profile to tactfully discourage them. It also looks at what you can put on your profile to encourage the types of guys you are interested in without alienating everyone else. Please read all of Section Six before jumping in and making judgements about my ideas. And remember, these are only my suggestions – you don’t have to agree with them.
Section Seven is all about how, if you are not careful, Grindr can consume large amounts of your time and have a negative effect on your emotional well-being. This section includes some tips and strategies on how to prevent this. Finally Section Eight is where I have put all the miscellaneous bits that didn’t seem to fit in anywhere else.
I have tried to keep the chapters short and punchy, each one focussed on a specific topic.
Because the book’s emphasis is on gay men successfully meeting other gay men, I have used the pronouns ‘he’ and ‘him’ throughout. But the ideas and tips themselves should work for all users of Grindr.
Finally I would like to point out that I have no connection with Grindr other than as a user of the app. I am not affiliated to the company that owns Grindr in any way.
I hope you enjoy reading this book as much as I have enjoyed writing it and I hope that the information contained here leads you to much Grindr success!
Tim Morrell - 2019
Section One is all about preparing for Grindr success. Discovering what you are likely to encounter on the app and putting on some armour to help you deal with it. The section helps you to set realistic expectations according to what you have to offer other guys, and the time and effort you are prepared to spend on your Grindr endeavours. Finally it will help you to decide and focus on exactly what it is you are looking for.
Section Two is all about crafting your profile. Once you know the type of guy you are looking for, you need to craft your profile to make it as easy as possible for him to find you. And as easy as possible for him to send you an opening message that can lead to the two of you exploring whether there is potential for a meet in the flesh. This section ends with an interactive ‘Grindr Profile Roadworthiness Test’ where you can see if your own profile achieves a pass or a fail!
Of course you don’t only want to rely on guys finding you. You also want to take the initiative and find them. Section Three is all about taking control of your cascade and removing all the time wasting guys and ‘bad prospect’ guys, hopefully to leave you with a cascade of guys with ‘good meet’ potential. This section ends with a humorous interactive ‘Grindr Cascade Corn Thresher’ through which you can put other guys’ profiles to see whether they come out as corn (send a message to) or chaff (leave well alone).
Section Four deals with messaging. How to use messages to suss out whether the guy is really suitable for you, whilst at the same time keeping him interested. And how to progress things so that you get to the stage where you are both ready to meet in the flesh. Section Five then deals with that meet with the emphasis on how to ensure it is a safe and mutually enjoyable encounter.
Section Six deals with the tricky topic of discrimination on Grindr. This is almost impossible to write about without in some way including my own views on what is or isn’t discriminatory. If there are particular types of guys that you know you cannot have a successful sexual encounter with, this section looks at what is and what is not appropriate to put on your profile to tactfully discourage them. It also looks at what you can put on your profile to encourage the types of guys you are interested in without alienating everyone else. Please read all of Section Six before jumping in and making judgements about my ideas. And remember, these are only my suggestions – you don’t have to agree with them.
Section Seven is all about how, if you are not careful, Grindr can consume large amounts of your time and have a negative effect on your emotional well-being. This section includes some tips and strategies on how to prevent this. Finally Section Eight is where I have put all the miscellaneous bits that didn’t seem to fit in anywhere else.
I have tried to keep the chapters short and punchy, each one focussed on a specific topic.
Because the book’s emphasis is on gay men successfully meeting other gay men, I have used the pronouns ‘he’ and ‘him’ throughout. But the ideas and tips themselves should work for all users of Grindr.
Finally I would like to point out that I have no connection with Grindr other than as a user of the app. I am not affiliated to the company that owns Grindr in any way.
I hope you enjoy reading this book as much as I have enjoyed writing it and I hope that the information contained here leads you to much Grindr success!
Tim Morrell - 2019